So I wrote a song about a tortilla. 

Well actually, it’s more of a wrap. 

paintdoktahwho:

what a beautiful day

 #FUCK

cloysterbell:

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

There’s a vending machine right across from the security office and it only likes to accept coins that are slightly cold but not too cold. Warm coins are unacceptable. New coins are okay but slightly worn around the edges are a no go. If there’s even a hint of dirt on them, you can just forget about it. Also don’t try to force it in, put it in the slot gently, but not too gently otherwise it won’t know it’s there. 

So basically I just spent so long trying to get the machine to accept my damn coins that one of the security guys can out and asked me if I needed help with anything.

cloysterbell:

Who is the most famous married woman in America? 

Mississippi. 

crackedactresss asked: LITERALLY MY FAV JOKE EVER THE ONLY ONE THATS BETTER IS THE WHAT CHEESE DO YOU USE TO OBSCURE A SMALL HORSE OMG

Mascarpone.

cloysterbell:

What sort of cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave?

Camembert.